I can't bring myself to think straight or concentrate on my work for the past few days. I feel extremely tired and drained. I am not physically tired.....haven't been that in a very long time, but it is this mental exhaustion that is pulling me down.

As a person I like keeping busy, having things to do, I feel useful when I have a "to do list" in front of me. More now than ever.....I want to get busy really really busy, I don't want to have one idle neuron in my head to think about things around me...

• The constant bickering with people who are important to me and the bitter aftertaste it leaves in my mouth.
• My mother's disappointment with my selection of the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Or everything she'd doing to show me that.
• I am beginning to feel the absence of my only confidante in my house....miss him like crazy.

So now after yet another argument I begin to make notes on what I must remember when I have a kid of my own...and then I thought y not spread the word n put it up on my blog.

So here goes.....

1.) Try not to rush to help them when they fall and scrape their knees. They must learn the value of rising up, dusting themselves and moving on. In the real world no one will rush to them with open arms, they will have to wipe their own tears.

2.) Thrashing a kid is what parents do when they cannot come up with creative and more effective ways to discipline a kid. Remember this before you slap your kid for dropping and breaking a bottle of expensive perfume or tearing up a book to make paper boats or writing on the wall.

3.) There is no need to constantly remind them about the things you do for them or the sacrifices you make. Trust me...they will value it more when they realize it on their own.

4.) Everything you say or do is being watched and recorded....yes life with a kid around will be like a 24hr BIG BOSS. Every action (right or wrong), every word (hurtful or encouraging) will be etched in their memory forever. So be cautious, the world might not know but your world will know.

5.) Please make your life as perfect as you possibly can, do not compromise on any aspect of it, no second best B-school or almost perfect groom/bride or good role but shitty salary or vice-versa. Please oh please live your dreams yourself and if you can't....forget them. Do not try and live your dreams through your children. They are already carrying the burden of their own dreams and expectations.

6.) AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PERFECT LIFE....DON'T WISH YOUR CHILDREN DO!!!! By telling them their life could be much better you will ruin their present happiness as well.

7.) The only person who can learn from your mistakes is YOU, don't expect your children to learn from them and not make mistakes....life doesn't teach lessons that way.

8.) If Mr. X's son is studying at IIT/IIM/Harvard, your son need not do the same. Mr. X's son also smokes pot, a habit he formed at IIT/IIM/Harvard, do you want your son to do the same. Mr. X's son will not love you as much as your son does....he doesn't care about what you think of him....your son does. Please make sure you give him the right idea.

9.) Above all please remember that bringing a child into this world means sacrificing the next 20-25yrs of life to nurture another life. You cannot turn back or quit halfway, so please get into it only if you are genuinely up for it.

NUMB!!!

Everyday, day after day as I continue teaching my kids the only thought that wont leave me alone is what will happen to my kids after I leave. As my tenure with Akanksha comes to an end I just cant let go of this emptiness in my heart. My kids just started going for computer classes and they're so excited about it, will their next teacher understand that the twinkle in their eyes has nothing to do with the bright screen of the monitor? Will she continue to fund these classes?
My kids have finally started forming complete sentences in english... grammatically correct english. They've learnt the art of writing a meaningful essay without deviating from the topic.

I dont know if its even about the kids, i guess its about me more that them, I've fallen in love with teaching. I wake up at 3am every morning to teach biology at an online tutoring company and although I may say I hate it and that the only reason I'm doing it is coz it's a decent pay, I know I wouldnt have done it if I did not enjoy it. In the afternoons I teach English and Math to underpriviledged children at an NGO, the most satisfying 2hrs of my day.
I had taken up the job at Akanksha initially as I took a study leave from my job to prepare for the gazillion MBA Entrances conducted by B-schools across India. I had applied to only the best schools (it is an expensive course I dint want to compromise) But as I gave all the exams and did not clear any of them....(Yes I'm that bad), I have actually begun to question myself...

I had almost entirely made up my mind to ditch the MBA idea brewing in my head since the last two years and take up teaching full time, if it was not for this feeling that teaching doesnt pay well. What will I do tomorrow when I have responsibilities?

What I couldnt say to you......

1. Why do people insist on talking when you are in no mood to listen? Is it really difficult to comprehend someone's silence?


2. Why does the one person you really hope understands not understand you?


3. Why should asking for a break ring the death knell for any relationship?


4. Why should the choice between right and wrong be so easy yet so difficult to make?


5. Why must I live up to other's standards? Isn't living up to your expections tough enough already?


6. Why does everybody's acceptance have to determine my happiness?


7. Why should anybody care if I have put on weight or if I plan to marry soon?


8. Why won't he understand the reason for my anger rather than lecture me about how bad it is for our relationship?


9. Why do all guys understand just about anything you say/feel when they are pursuing you and turn really dumb once you start dating?


10. Why is typing all this so much easier than saying it to people's faces?

*chomp#$@&#$munch$%#@&chew#$%&gulp* sorry was polishing off the last laddoo.
The only thing I love about Holi is the mouth watering sweets my awesome mum dishes out. Now here I’d like to mention n I think most of my friends would agree my mum has an X chromosome with a cooking gene replacing every piece of junk DNA. (I’m hoping against hope that a non-bio person i.e. someone other than my best friends is reading this blog….I want to thank u with all my heart……u r very special to me….but u will have to google to find out what the previous sentence means :P).

Now Holi comes right after the winter season (going by Mumbai standards…some parts of India are still enjoying pleasant weather…lucky them!! *sob*) ya so….right after winter season….when bongs in Kolkata enjoy the date (as in khajoor in hindi :P) jaggery that comes into market only in the winter. I don’t live in Kolkata but I still get to enjoy the delights of “patali gudd” (bong name for the jaggery), mum always manages to lay her hands on some (love her!!! :P). But this year she made two trips to Kolkata between December and January n our freezer is well stocked for the rest of the year!!! :D

So coming back to holi n sweets, this year ma got a little carried away (not that I’m complaining) coconut laddoos (nadoos in bong), sandesh(this is the only sweet u might find at a bong sweet shop), peethe (sweetened rice n gudd pancakes stuffed with coconut cooked in gudd), gajar ka halwa (only dish without the gudd), she also bought gujiya n jalebis from the local sweet shop……………………..brb have to wipe the drool off my chin (I’m a girl so I will use a hanky or a tissue not my sleeve.)
So obviously I have been stuffing my face with the delectable reservoirs of calories…. ignoring the 'ouches', 'eee..s' n 'chee chees' coming from inside my wardrobe. I think the 'ouches' came from the belts n buttons. I’m sure my tops n denims understand…..they’ve tasted my mum’s food, I feel generous (read clumsy) sometimes…..n feed my clothing when I eat :P

A thought crosses my mind, “my kids will miss this…..coz I hate to even enter the kitchen(according to my mother I haven’t yet experienced the pleasures of cooking) what I fail to understand is, what can be so pleasurable about sweating in a hot stuffy kitchen to painstakingly make something which will be eaten in minutes n u know where it will end up the next morning!!!! Another ewww I think from the fridge. Then again in my mum’s words “u’ll know when u have kids, u’ll want them to know and experience all the good things that u have known.” I mentally promise my self to take culinary lessons from my mother before I have kids……but I don’t think I could infuse that magic into the food or put that much effort n resources into gathering the ingredients. So I think I’ll just visit my parents for festivals…….some people never change…..n I am one of them. :P

p.s. this post is coming a day after holi because the author was busy pigging out yesterday. :)

when i was 10.....

When I was 10……

The last thing I’d think of before going to bed would be “Where can I dump the milk tomorrow?” Yes I’d be thinking of new ways to get rid of the glass of milk I was forced to drink everyday.
Now at 22 I think of diseases (my MSc specialization is applied medicine…what else can I think of?)”
“first salary….if I get a job that is!”
“why did ABC say that….what did she mean?”

The first thing I’d think of when I woke up would be “mum found out I’d poured it into the basin yesterday…..how does she know everything? I’ll flush it down the toilet today.”
Now at 22 the first thing I think of when I wake up is “I have to catch the 9:10 today, was late yesterday.”
“Must reach the library before XYZ, I want that book……that GODKAR is mine.”
“Should I talk to ABC today, what could she mean?”

On my way to school I’d be in a serious discussion with my friends “Arre….I pour mine into the flowerpots…….the plants drink it up for me n mom thinks it’s her new fertilizer.”
“oye! I don’t have any plants at home” :(
At 22…..in the train, “why is that woman staring at me? Oh she thinks she can beat me to that seat….high hopes lady.”
“Uff only if these fatsos could give me a little more place…..my butt isn’t as small as I think it is”
:(
“Must start walking again.”

In school, “why can’t these mummies just let the calves have what’s rightfully theirs. The calf needs to be big and strong too. I bet mum dint think of this….i’ll talk to her about it today.”
At my lab in the present “kya dimaag ko shot! Who cares who that underwear belongs to? Or if its stained with blood or urine?”
“Ewwww….is it really someone’s underwear?”
“Where does forensics figure in applied medicine?”
“Am I writing an experiment or are we playing bridget jones’ diary?”

Back home from school……”I think I’ll plant this thing first…I can change later.”
“wait a minute….if I put it in my glass then mum cant gimme milk at all” “yayyyyy!! I’m a genius”
At 22 “I bet that sweet speech wasn’t meant for us, she thinks we dint notice how ‘MSc 2 batch’ was added as subscript after every sentence”

How I wish I was 10 again……

fucking fabulous blog- i'm not saying this people think so. :P

yipppppeeeeeeee!! My first award!!! Actually first literary award......i've won awards before......ofcourse I have......many infact. :P

But everytime I win an award (a loooooonnnngg list) I feel so overwhelmed. Its so nice when your hardwork is recognised. Not many know how much that pat on the back, these tokens of appreciation matter. But the generous person that I am I always strive to give more than I receive......n I guess thats why the love just keeps growing. ooooooooo....I think i'm going to cry. I'd like to take a moment to compose myself before I thank all the people who havent really contributed much but formalities....formalities........u know how it is.

The first just has to be my lola dearest....for the inspiration....u started it girl now u r stuck for life. :P

Then my brother.......my worst critic....actually I think he's just jealous.

Okay now can I just take my award so I can go rest my BIG head somewhere?

Apparently not.....i've got to do some something before I can celebrate. Well here goes....The person who recieves the award has to abide by the following rules....
1. Put the above image on your blog.
2. List 10 truths about yourself.
3. Enlighten people with a meaningful quotation
4. Pass on the award to as many bloggers as you know who deserve the award.

Okayyyyy....the 10 truths
1. I LOVE CHOCOLATES......I can eat chocolates for all my meals for the rest of my life. N I love it most in its bitter form. Careful n meticulous study conducted by me (which involved eating lots and lots of chocolates :P) has proved that chocolate can lift one's mood as soon as it touches the tongue.....mmmmm.

2. I'm terrified of the dark....there is always something behind me, under my bed, behind the curtains......everywhere. Thats why I picked the bed that has a storage cabinet underneath.....I know what u are thinking n I try not to let that thought creep into my head but I think i'll sleep wid my brother tonite just to be safe.

3. I love the Kishore Kumar-R.D.Burman combo. They dint make music......they made magic together.
I also love listening to ghazals. Jagjit Singh's my favorite.

4. I cant sleep at night if I havent broken something, fallen somewhere, banged into something or someone atleast once during the day. Its a wonder I walk on the roads of Mumbai all day and get back home alive.

5. I'm a sucker for all Hrishikesh Mukherjee films. All of them....mili, guddi, khoobsurat, chupke-chupke, anand, abhimaan, bawarchi (my favorite). I actually have most of the dialogues memorised. :P

6. Its a well known fact that I just cannot remember birthdays, anniversaries or any other dates. Its such a task just remembering my own birthday. Its 5th august btw n I like gifts. :P

7. I am just not a cellphone person. I do not carry it around all the time. I even forget it at home somedays (this surprises people the most). I check it only once at the end of the day. N the poor guy's forever on the silent mode.

8. I cannot cook, not even if my life depended on it. I have caused a gas leak in my kitchen, burned holes into utensils (u should've seen the look on my mum's face) and even managed to burn my hair once (just a few strands thankfully). BMC can hire me to demolish illegal constructions...all I have to do is enter the kitchen.

9. Someone once said (this is another thing about me......I can never remember who said what..... its always 'someone said....but thats not the ninth truth) ya so a bollywood actor (I think) once said "I get to live different characters through the different roles I play. Well I do that through books. I'm Elizabeth Bennet everytime I read "Pride and Prejudice" and Josephine March everytime I read "Little Women". I mentioned the above two books coz they're my favorites.
I read whenever i'm bored of being me.

10. I CAN TALK. I dont mean that I have functional vocal cords, what i'm trying to say is that I cant stop talking. There is always so much to talk about, so many things happening, so many stories to tell. Even if I do manage to clamp my mouth shut, my tongue just keeps wagging inside. My family...including my dog has started using earplugs :( Thats one reason I started blogging.......and now my fingers wont stop typing. HEEEEELLLPPPPP!!!!

I know only one person I want to give this award to.......GAI. (please start writing again)

The Meaningful Quotation.....
"Sometimes you have brainstorms and sometimes you get just the clouds"

Even though she hadnt slept at all in the last 72 hrs she still couldn’t fall asleep. Her throat felt dry but it had felt like that all day nonetheless she decided to get a glass of water. Maya got out of bed, her knee felt cramped the bed was too small for her. Obviously….it was meant for a 6yr old. She decided she’d move into a hotel the next day.

The corridor connecting the bed room to the drawing room was not more than 10 feet but felt like a mile as she walked past the photos. The two people in all the pictures on the walls of the really long corridor were looking at her, she could see their eyes following her. She quickened her pace, once in the kitchen her eyes sought a glass, when she dint find one she picked up a cup n poured in some cold water from the refrigerator. As soon as the cup touched her lips she felt a chill go down her spine, this was his cup, he must have drank coffee in it every morning, she could feel him on it and then she felt herself shaking. She put the cup down on the counter and drank more water than she needed from the bottle. By now she knew sleep wasn’t going to knock on her door tonight, still shaking she walked into the drawing room and sat down on the couch.

Her eyes combed the room and halted on a shelf on the opposite wall, it was their wedding picture, the girl in the picture looked beautiful in her ivory wedding gown and the guy had his arms around her. They must have been in love. Did he love her more? What was her name Jane….June…..no…..it was….was Jenny. She turned her attention to him…..her husband Nikhil…..I need answers, u know. Why did u do this to me? Was the kid yours? Did u love me? She had said the last one out loud.

When she had first entered the apartment that morning she had a nagging feeling that it was a bad idea, she should just sell it away, she dint have to see it, all she had to do was turn around and walk away. But she stayed, she had walked around the apartment all day. The kitchen, the pictures in the corridor….. their years together, of all the vacations they took…..in the snow and on the beach, Christmas celebrated with his wife and kid….his true family maybe, the birth of their child, his first day at school… Before she knew the tears came gushing out, she had held them back the entire day. The only room she hadn’t stepped in was the master bedroom and she dint want to either….no she would just sell the apartment. All she wanted was to go back home, to her parents, her land, leaving this past fortnight behind. She would tell no one, nobody needed to know, it would serve no purpose to tell everyone, how would she answer their questions, the only person with the answers was gone.

Over the past 14days she had done a lot of mental searching into the last 4 years of her life only to realize in the end that he hadn’t really given any obvious indications of another parallel life. He did spend 20 days every month in New York but how was she suppose to know, the head office of his firm was in New York. Could he have loved them both? Is that humanly possible? Clearly he had been married when they got married, he had a 6 year old son. So did that make her the other woman? He must have married Jenny right after college, if the calculations were correct. Then had he married her only to appease his Marwari parents? Only once in their 4 years had Nikhil joked that if he hadn’t married her his parents would have disinherited him.

A distant fire alarm sounded somewhere…..must be down the street. The conversation she had with the cops came back to her….your husband was killed in the crash and there were 2 other people in the car….one a 6 year old kid…do you have any idea who they could be?

The phone started ringing somewhere in the apartment, she knew where but she dint want to go in there, not yet, maybe never. Oh! she wished it would stop ringing…..who could be calling so late. After 10mins the phone was still ringing, she had to make it stop. She walked up to the bedroom door, turned the handle with trembling hands, mercifully there were no other pictures in this room…..but she could feel the weight of the memories in her stomach. She headed straight for the phone, she’d shut it up and leave the room before her mind could register what was going on. She picked up the receiver but before she could speak a girl was frantically trying to tell her something, she couldn’t make out what. Her eyes were on a picture she saw in an open drawer of the bedside table……the only words she heard were…fire…..3rd floor……evacuation…..fire engine. The receiver fell through her fingers, they reached out for the photograph….it had been taken on her honeymoon. Everything came flashing back, after their first night together she had woken up to the clicking sounds of a camera. Nikhil had told her that she had no idea how beautiful she looked in the morning…..pure like the sunrise outside the window. She had forgotten all about it…..she pulled the drawer further…..there were other photographs in it…..their wedding photo, their first anniversary, her in the shower, her first time at a pub…..he had to carry her home that night. A smile crossed her lips amidst the tears. She finally sat down on the bed the weight of the emotions pulling her down. Now she knew….she pulled the photographs close to her heart and rested her head on the pillow. She could finally feel the sleep coming on. So coming here wasn’t such a bad idea afterall. Maybe this wouldn’t be a bad idea either….she would finally find answers to all her questions. She pulled the covers over her still shaking body, they smelt of Nikhil’s aftershave, this was his side of the bed……this was where he had slept for the last time.

p.s. i just cant think of a title.........pls suggest some.