I can't bring myself to think straight or concentrate on my work for the past few days. I feel extremely tired and drained. I am not physically tired.....haven't been that in a very long time, but it is this mental exhaustion that is pulling me down.

As a person I like keeping busy, having things to do, I feel useful when I have a "to do list" in front of me. More now than ever.....I want to get busy really really busy, I don't want to have one idle neuron in my head to think about things around me...

• The constant bickering with people who are important to me and the bitter aftertaste it leaves in my mouth.
• My mother's disappointment with my selection of the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Or everything she'd doing to show me that.
• I am beginning to feel the absence of my only confidante in my house....miss him like crazy.

So now after yet another argument I begin to make notes on what I must remember when I have a kid of my own...and then I thought y not spread the word n put it up on my blog.

So here goes.....

1.) Try not to rush to help them when they fall and scrape their knees. They must learn the value of rising up, dusting themselves and moving on. In the real world no one will rush to them with open arms, they will have to wipe their own tears.

2.) Thrashing a kid is what parents do when they cannot come up with creative and more effective ways to discipline a kid. Remember this before you slap your kid for dropping and breaking a bottle of expensive perfume or tearing up a book to make paper boats or writing on the wall.

3.) There is no need to constantly remind them about the things you do for them or the sacrifices you make. Trust me...they will value it more when they realize it on their own.

4.) Everything you say or do is being watched and recorded....yes life with a kid around will be like a 24hr BIG BOSS. Every action (right or wrong), every word (hurtful or encouraging) will be etched in their memory forever. So be cautious, the world might not know but your world will know.

5.) Please make your life as perfect as you possibly can, do not compromise on any aspect of it, no second best B-school or almost perfect groom/bride or good role but shitty salary or vice-versa. Please oh please live your dreams yourself and if you can't....forget them. Do not try and live your dreams through your children. They are already carrying the burden of their own dreams and expectations.

6.) AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PERFECT LIFE....DON'T WISH YOUR CHILDREN DO!!!! By telling them their life could be much better you will ruin their present happiness as well.

7.) The only person who can learn from your mistakes is YOU, don't expect your children to learn from them and not make mistakes....life doesn't teach lessons that way.

8.) If Mr. X's son is studying at IIT/IIM/Harvard, your son need not do the same. Mr. X's son also smokes pot, a habit he formed at IIT/IIM/Harvard, do you want your son to do the same. Mr. X's son will not love you as much as your son does....he doesn't care about what you think of him....your son does. Please make sure you give him the right idea.

9.) Above all please remember that bringing a child into this world means sacrificing the next 20-25yrs of life to nurture another life. You cannot turn back or quit halfway, so please get into it only if you are genuinely up for it.

NUMB!!!

Everyday, day after day as I continue teaching my kids the only thought that wont leave me alone is what will happen to my kids after I leave. As my tenure with Akanksha comes to an end I just cant let go of this emptiness in my heart. My kids just started going for computer classes and they're so excited about it, will their next teacher understand that the twinkle in their eyes has nothing to do with the bright screen of the monitor? Will she continue to fund these classes?
My kids have finally started forming complete sentences in english... grammatically correct english. They've learnt the art of writing a meaningful essay without deviating from the topic.

I dont know if its even about the kids, i guess its about me more that them, I've fallen in love with teaching. I wake up at 3am every morning to teach biology at an online tutoring company and although I may say I hate it and that the only reason I'm doing it is coz it's a decent pay, I know I wouldnt have done it if I did not enjoy it. In the afternoons I teach English and Math to underpriviledged children at an NGO, the most satisfying 2hrs of my day.
I had taken up the job at Akanksha initially as I took a study leave from my job to prepare for the gazillion MBA Entrances conducted by B-schools across India. I had applied to only the best schools (it is an expensive course I dint want to compromise) But as I gave all the exams and did not clear any of them....(Yes I'm that bad), I have actually begun to question myself...

I had almost entirely made up my mind to ditch the MBA idea brewing in my head since the last two years and take up teaching full time, if it was not for this feeling that teaching doesnt pay well. What will I do tomorrow when I have responsibilities?

What I couldnt say to you......

1. Why do people insist on talking when you are in no mood to listen? Is it really difficult to comprehend someone's silence?


2. Why does the one person you really hope understands not understand you?


3. Why should asking for a break ring the death knell for any relationship?


4. Why should the choice between right and wrong be so easy yet so difficult to make?


5. Why must I live up to other's standards? Isn't living up to your expections tough enough already?


6. Why does everybody's acceptance have to determine my happiness?


7. Why should anybody care if I have put on weight or if I plan to marry soon?


8. Why won't he understand the reason for my anger rather than lecture me about how bad it is for our relationship?


9. Why do all guys understand just about anything you say/feel when they are pursuing you and turn really dumb once you start dating?


10. Why is typing all this so much easier than saying it to people's faces?